A gift for Muhammadu Buhari

It was President Muhammadu Buhari’s 79th birthday the other day. As the day approached, I feared being left out as the only person, out of 200 million Nigerians, who did not get the president a befitting gift. It would be an awkward position to be. I have a storied history of giving befitting birthday gifts to every Nigerian president in my lifetime. Even Buhari’s good friend, General Sani Abacha, who had everything he ever wanted, including Indian prostitutes, got birthday gifts from me. I should not stop now.

I imagined 200 million Nigerians storming the market nearest to them in search of a befitting birthday gift for Buhari, a man who had transformed their lives in humongous ways. Irrespective of age, religion, gender, ethnicity, social status, academic level, Nigerians who still had a non-bandit infested market to go to wanted to get the president something worthy for Buhari, the man from Daura, the last of the recurring crooked decimals in Nigeria’s political life since the beginning of the country. So, I spent a long time thinking of what I should get the farmer whose livestock, according to his assets declaration forms, had remained the same in the last six years.

A few days before, the speaker of the Nigerian House of Representatives, The Right Honorable Femi Gbajabimila, sent out a public goodwill message to the president telling him that he had done great…