I Did Not Write Natasha’s Terrible Satire

Look, I know Pius Adesanmi is gone. Wada Nas, too. I suspect Olatunji Dare, Ndaeyọ Uko, Tunde Asaju, and J.K. Randle have quietly retired. But there’s no way — absolutely no way — I am the last satirist standing in Nigeria’s media space. God forbid bad thing!

So imagine my surprise when people started forwarding Senator Natasha Akpoti-Uduaghan’s “satirical apology” to Senator Godswill Akpabio to my inbox, each one asking: “Did you write this?” Some even tagged me on Facebook with side-eye emojis and captions like “ihula gi?” and “zukwanu ike.” I nearly screamed.

Some did not think Mike Asukwo could have dropped his drawing pencil to ghostwrite satire. Or maybe they believe Okey Bakassi has not finished marinating his body in a bitter leaf concoction and consulting Eze Nwanyi about his ancestral throne — and found the time to write jokes. Why me? Please, be serious.

Let me say this once and for all: I did not write Natasha’s terrible satire. I reject it in Jesus’ name. Who born me? I dey craze?

Why is it hard to believe that Natasha — a lawyer o — could write that catastrophe all by herself? This is the same woman who gave the most inspiring speech the National Assembly has ever witnessed — reviving Ajaokuta, industrializing Nigeria, and reawakening our hopes. Give me a break! Writing bad satire…