Pres. Bola Tinubu’s speech to protesters- a rough draft

Fellow Nigerians,

I address you today not because you people have been calling on me to speak to the citizens of Nigeria. I am not doing this because some of you have been making noise on the streets of Abuja, Lagos, and Kano. Such behaviors do not move me. I am the Jagaban. Nobody pushes me around. Iro! If you don’t know who I am, go and ask them in Lagos. I can rule Nigeria for eight years without holding a single press conference or speaking to Nigerians in a live broadcast. Heaven will not fall.

I make this exception today because I sent my Vice President out to calm you all down, only for him to call the people protesting idiots. Let me make something very clear. I agree with my Vice President that all of you protesting on the streets of Nigeria are idiots with nine fingers. The only respect I will give to you is that I won’t stand in front of you and count your nine fingers. Of course, it is not out of fear but simply because you are beneath me. I am the Jagaban. If you don’t know who I am, go and ask them in Lagos.

Out of the goodness of my heart, I took a break from enjoying Amala and Ewedu as my brilliant brother, Senator Akpabio, is doing to come and speak to you. Let nobody complain if I say anything you do not like. The last time I spoke live to the nation, I said, “Oil subsidy is gone.”…